The second thing we do, let's kill spring break

Right after we kill all the lawyers, and just before we kill the goose that laid the golden eggs -- right?

Spring Break Myth # 53 -- ”Hardly anyone makes money off of spring break.“

According to an article in today’s Monitor, spring breakers are pumping roughly $20 million into town and state coffers.” Do you really believe “hardly anyone” would notice if spring break didn’t happen? Or that the nice families you hope to attract instead are going to pay $300/night during Texas week? Or that huge chunks of the money made from spring break don’t - in large part - stay right here on South Padre Island?

I don’t tend bar or operate a tattoo/piercing business but I can tell you that my rental unit made my April mortgage payment in a single week. And the kids didn’t trash the place and even got most of their hefty damage deposit back. Advertisers on my spring break website paid the rest of my bills for that month. Other business owners who made money during spring break can now afford to pay me to update their websites. And so on and so forth. The only people who are not profiting from spring break - either directly or indirectly - are those who simply don’t have to work for a living, period. And they still benefit from additional services the town is able to offer because of the money those kids spend here. You people can certainly afford to leave town for a week or two -- why not pick Texas week?

I find it really really difficult to understand the energy being wasted attacking spring break when our two most precious resources - the bay and the beach - are in mortal danger. Get a grip, folks: Spring break has been whittled down to essentially ONE WEEK OUT OF THE YEAR! When the beach has eroded out from underneath us, wet t-shirt contests will be the very least of our worries. When the bay is killed and the fishing, ecotourism and watersport industries go belly up, we will all look back on the good ol’ days when traffic occasionally came to a standstill.

I can’t tell you how many of the parental units of the families to whom I give sandcastle lessons tell me that they came here for spring break x number of years ago and the fond memories of the fun they had here caused them to return with their own kids. But it’s a lot. Many people would not even know South Padre Island exists were it not for spring break.

So here are some questions for you: Are you really going to tell a large contingent of paying customers - “do not come here“? Do you really think the majority of the island’s residents would support this stance? Are you really all that eager to pass a bunch of restrictive new ”no fun allowed here“ laws that will have an equally negative effect on attracting new residents as well as the ”good“ tourists?

And where did that goose run off to, anyway?

Spring Break with Dad Feets

Most people who do spring break look forward to going with a group of friends or perhaps a romantic partner. This year I had the pleasure of enjoying spring break on South Padre Island with -- my dad. And it was the most fun I have has during break in a long long time.

This is how it came about:
As you may or may not know, I am now the proud (and nervous) owner of a rental unit just upstairs from where I live. For Texas week I had 8 (or more, I never did get a good count) young adults inhabiting the place which I figured would be okay because I would be here to keep an eye on things.

A last minute job offer in Puerto Rico - during Texas week - was the impetus for giving Dad Feets - who had just returned with Mom Feets to Michigan after wintering on the island - a call. He has long enjoyed spring break (see dad-cam.com) and since he had some projects in mind for the SandBox Inn, and since I had a ton of frequent flyer miles I could not think of a better use for, a deal was struck. He arrived the day that I left and did a great job of caring for my animals, starting some major landscaping projects and befriending my tenants.

We had scheduled things so that he would still be here a few days after my quick turn-around job, giving him more time for more projects and for me to spend some quality time with my Dad, something I have always been trying to get more of. When I was a kid we would go fishing on Glen Lake together. I am not an angler and was happiest when a fish managed to steal the bait without getting hooked. What I liked was having my Dad all to myself for a couple of hours.

So on the afternoon of the last Sat. of Texas week Dad discovered that he needed some mortar to finish up the planter he was building in the middle of my driveway. Ace was out of it, White’s was closed and so it looked like a trip to Brownsville was required. I knew it would be a long wait on the bridge coming back, and he offered to do it himself but I would not dream of making him attempt a journey of such epic proportions on his own.

So we set off at about 5 PM. Traffic was already backed up nearly to Walmart. I called my friend Nancy from the car and she screamed “Abort! Abort! Go back while there is still time!” I called Amazin’, who has a view of the causeway from his front window and he implied that insanity must run in the genes.

Well, we got the mortar -- and a beautiful pygmy date palm to put in the planter he was building -- with no problem. The problem started right about at H.E.B. when our forward progress came to a screeching halt. To make a very long story short, We pulled back into my driveway at just before 1 AM and I’ll tell you what - that trip back from Home Depot almost as much fun as fishing on Glen Lake.


Best image:
Early morning. A late model jeep - one of those tricked out ones that run about a jillion dollars - pulls up to a construction site on my street. The passenger door opens and a young woman climbs out. Fully decked out in her evening wear (skin-tight capris, plunging neckline and stilletto heels) she carefully picks her way through the construction debris to her ultimate goal: the onsite port-a-potty.

Most unpleasant encounter with the law:
I was on the beach carving sand with a gentleman who is trying to market a new sandcastle gizmo (see what I carved from it here). He was obviously not a spring breaker and in fact had his wife and kids with him. At some point the police ATV pulled up and the officer strode up and politely inquired what was in the cooler. “Water and soda-pop” was the answer. But that wasn’t good enough. “May I look inside? We are patrolling for glass -- we need to keep the children safe, you know.”

Give me a break. I have watched these guys drive right past an exposed wine bottle without a second glance and suddenly now they are out inspecting everyone’s coolers? Too far, say I. They have taken this thing too far.

(I also heard stories from eyewitnesses about how they cleared the kids from the beach every day around 5 PM by flooding the area with officers shouting that “the beach is closed” and “you have to leave this area right now.” That cannot possibly be legal. Texas beaches belong to the public and are always open to anyone who wants to enjoy them!

I truly believe that the heavy hand of the law is going to strangle spring break on South Padre Island in my lifetime.)

Worst personal experience: sitting immobile on HWY100 in Port Isabel St. Patty’s day night, hoping for even a glimpse of the bridge... an unwilling if captive audience of the ugly rap music pounding from one nearby vehicle and ugly porn splashed all over the dvd screen of another.

Best experience: the intermission we took after making it through PI. Agreeing we could both use a bathroom break before getting stuck on the bridge, we pulled into Pelican Station for a nice meal, a couple glasses of wine and live entertainment by some of my favorite local musicians (Andy, Omar and Jamie - don’t know what they are calling themselves these days.) Two hours later, we were on the bridge for what would be another two hours of rap, porn and conversation before finally pulling into my driveway. The lubrication definitely helped.

It was my first experience of having spring breakers upstairs and yeah, they were loud. But they weren’t destructive or rude and they seemed to be genuinely enjoying the place. Furthermore, one week of having them up there made my April mortgage payment, and for that I am most grateful.

Cruising, Revisited

I can tell you exactly how to get rid of cruising and it is very simple: give these kids something else to do! Like it or not, spring break on SPI is a teen magnet. As I see it, we can alienate and attempt to intimidate these kids with more laws, more cops and a stronger hand -- or we can convince them that SPI is a cool, happy place that welcomes them here now and will welcome them back someday when they get older and have more disposable income.

There are two indisputable truths here, sez I:

1. You cannot legally prevent underage valley kids from coming to SPI any time they have hankering to.

2. They are going to have some serious hankerings during spring break, due to the fact that there are massive numbers of young, pretty people of both genders on the island at that time - a time when they are likely on break themselves with nothing better to do than cruise out to the island.

If private enterprise cannot see a need/opportunity here then perhaps it is in the town's best interest to start a program of its own. If cruising really is such a horrendous problem, it would be worth throwing some money at giving underage kids an activity of their own, right? A facility or even just a parking lot where they can "hang out", buy refreshments, listen to music/dance, etc. The law can have a presence without becoming overly-obnoxious if these kids are mostly gathered in one spot.

If there is any doubt as to whether or not the valley kids would participate in such a plan -- well shoot, has anyone even thought to ask them?

I just returned from a week-long stay on the island of Vieques. Esperanza's "main drag" features a lighted, tree-shaded malecon -- a wide, pleasant walkway that extends almost the entire length of the town's waterfront. (O that our town's founders had shown similar foresight along the bay!) Street venders set up in the evening. Lots of benches exist for anyone wishing to sit and the area is easily patrolled by the local officials.

This is how I would describe the weekend scene: At one end is a bar that blasts great music - music that makes your butt start twitching of its own accord. Both residents and tourists of all ages are purchasing drinks at something like 4-5 waterfront establishments and either dancing or watching others on the dance-floor (and man o man is it fun watching the locals dance!) All along the colored light-festooned malecon kids of all ages are strutting their stuff, dancing, leaning against the railing talking, or smooching on benches. The only people "cruising" in vehicles are the cops and car-bound folks looking for a place to park.

As long as cruising is the most entertaining activity open to people of a certain age group, fighting it is going to be a losing proposition. Like I said in my first post on this subject, we are talking less than a dozen nights/year when this is a problem. How many deaths? How many lives ruined? Just how serious is this problem? Where are the stats to back up these assertions?

This is a town full of self-proclaimed conservatives who want more laws and bigger government to solve a problem that barely exists. Disappearing beaches, ugly beach access parks, cold turtles and preservation of native flora & fauna -- these are the issues upon which we should be lavishing our energies.

And yes, I am grumpy. I got sick sitting on the tarmac while attempting to leave a tropical paradise for this cold miserable excuse for winter on South Padre Island this week. When is the sun supposed to come back out,anyway???!